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The Fork Universe Of Funky Love

by Professor Goldstein

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1.
9 Month Tour 03:00
Load up the van Start up the kia sedona Make certain to fuel up and leave your old clothes in the trunk So when they find them Your kids will start to question It’s not patience when you’re waiting while you’re pushing your luck Next step is distance Time to make yourself an outcast Convince yourself that you’re all alone And then you feast down To whoever will fuel you Cause a nine month tour ain’t gonna make you any younger Again, play pretend Cause a nine month tour ain’t gonna make you any younger Again, play pretend Cause a nine month tour ain’t gonna make you any younger Tell her the truth And pray that there’s a fallout So you can go cause you know what’s best Hitting the road from home has never looked like such a good thing Being locked in the studio with a new solo project Again, play pretend Cause a nine month tour ain’t gonna make you any younger Again, play pretend Cause a nine month tour ain’t gonna make you any younger I still want to hear your voice before you go under Twenty-five years later you still won’t be any younger
2.
3.
Typical me, left without bidding farewell Drive up 16th st and swear that I’m sober Running into the same faces on Sunday afternoon in Beltsville No questions asked, my stay here is over Every night I need someone to tell me I’m not dead Cause I’m going off the deep end now I’m on the road with a broken CD binder My two best friends and a place to crash on the floor And God I wanna be a teacher so bad but I don’t think I’m cut out for the job So I’ll call you when I get sick in New York I took everything but the tie around my neck Ran around the December block over and over Gaining momentum instead of facing all these fucked up tendencies The blame is my own, I was straight edge and sober Take it or leave it pack up the van and head up to Brooklyn Cause the road is seeming more enticing the closer that I get I’m on the road with a broken CD binder My two best friends and a place to crash on the floor And God I wanna be a mom so bad but I don’t think I’m cut out for the job So I’ll call you when I get sick in New York So please turn up the Stockhausen to blend the monsters in my head Maybe when they’re gone we’ll all be healed I’m on the road with a broken CD binder My two best friends and a place to crash on the floor And if you walk in with a smile on your face then you’re probably cut out for the job So I’ll call you get the bits through On the subway cause I miss you I shoulda called you when I got sick in New York
4.
Mesosaurus, where’d you learn how to swim that far? Lystrosaurus, how’d you get so successful? Cynognathus, how’d you pay for those phenomenal flying lessons? And who’s growing glossopteris transcontinental? Well Gondwana had finally had enough of Laurasia The two split and these fools weren’t around to see it Give or take a couple hundred centimeters (blame the mechanics of it all) It’s only 2.5 cause the plates’ll just tweak it So get divergent, like the unhappy couple Get convergent, like a newfound love Transform on one another if you know what I mean I don’t really care but I’m beggin you to get a move on Well I’m talkin of a time when Antarctica was overgrown And there always comes a time when the postcards will turn from paper to stone You shred ‘em up and you managed to sink the boat And just like that your primal continent’s all gone So get divergent, like the unhappy couple Get convergent, like a newfound love Transform on one another if you know what I mean I don’t really care but I’m beggin you to get a move on In 200 million years we’ll all join up together again It’s a shame that you won’t be around to see it
5.
El Dorko 03:44
I’m on the night train to Moscow Try my best to have some fun My cohort parties at happy hour like it’s 1941 Down here at the bottom of the barrell The punks rip you out the womb And while they throw you up against the wall just close your eyes and count 1-2-3 BOOM The doors are open and she likes the band But the fans are weirdos and I’m in a room of Ska punk skater friends and she’s my chapstick lesbian The red line is just around the bend Hey girl, I’m goin out girl To play the Beastie Boys’ TO ALL THE GIRLS With another girl, a much cooler girl And when we get onstage they say HEY… MAAAAAAN Gonna get my song on the radio Can I get another one, amen AMEN Get back, I’m singing Nail the Track A song that Sam wrote when they were nine or ten The doors are open and she likes the band But the fans are weirdos and I’m in a room of Ska punk skater friends and she’s my chapstick lesbian The red line is just around the bend The doors are open and she likes the band But the fans are weirdos and I’m in a room of Ska punk skater friends and she’s my chapstick lesbian The red line is just around the bend The doors are open and she likes the band But the fans are weirdos and I’m in a room of Ska punk skater friends and she’s my chapstick lesbian The red line is just around the bend

about

Hi! Aeryn here. These are a couple of songs I wrote about the DMV music scene. I hope you have a good vibe/chuckle to them!

credits

released July 29, 2022

Music by Ananth Batni, Aeryn Goldstein, Jan Knutson, and Joshua McFarland

Lyrics by Aeryn Goldstein

Recorded by Venkatesh Ananth Batni at The Tea House 2.0.

Professor Goldstein is:
Venkatesh Ananth Batni - Drums, Engineering, Mixing, Mastering, Cello, Percussion, Backing Vox
Stacey Fitzgerald - Bari Sax, Gang Vox
Aeryn Goldstein - Acoustic and Electric Rhythm Guitar, Lead Vox
Jan Knutson - Lead Guitar, Gang Vox
Joshua McFarland - Bass, Gang Vox
Michael Vekstein - Piano, Gang Vox

Additional Personnel:
Kelly Jacques - Gang Vox
Lindsay Jacques - Gang Vox
Kyra O'Donnell - Trumpet, Gang Vox
Luis Orta - Tenor Sax, Gang Vox
Will Roberts - Trombone, Gang Vox

Photo by Abigail Messaris
Graphics by April Daley Bock
Edits by Shesh Batni

Released on This Could Go Boom! July 29th, 2022

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Professor Goldstein Hyattsville, Maryland

I love pop punk. I love country. I love that every indie band is now trying to be their own take on Weezer and I’d love to find my niche in the Weezer-core genre. Whether it’s a nasally, stream-of-conscious screechfest of a song or a carefully crafted ballad that subtly describes how Dinosaur documentaries shaped my childhood. ... more

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